Hot on the heels of my Muehlenberg glossary, in which I explained the meaning of old Bill's favourite buzz-words, I bring you the do-it-yourself guide to creating you very own Muehlenberg article!
Please remember that the most important factor is to turn off your brain and to always use hyperbole over evidence. Avoid theology and instead churn out hate-mongering diatribes against gay people, atheists, non-Christians and anyone with centre or left-wing political views. But concentrate on those gays!
You need to adopt a tone of self-righteous hectoring, and as soon as you've made a point, start the next sentence with "Indeed". Repeat this tedious rhetorical device several times.
Describe anyone who disagrees with you and uses evidence to dismantle your arguments as "playing fast and loose with the truth". If they stand for anything that you don't like, label them a "zealot". If they're atheist, they're by default "a materialist zealot".
Remember to describe the actions of people with whom you disagree as happening "big time" and remind your readers that the "zealots" have "declared war on Christianity". Efforts to remove discrimination from society are to be declared "PC madness".
Blame all of society's ills on homosexuals who don't wish for weird religionists to "cure" them. Refer to any homosexual who wishes to get on with their life free from theocratic bullying as a "militant homosexual activist".
Refer to people who disbelieve in your particular juju up the mountain as "our atheist buddies" in a failed attempt at sarcasm, since you actually loathe anyone who doesn't believe your bullshit. There are people who do believe your bullshit, but interpret it in a more liberal way. Call them "useful idiots".
Remember to never admit when you are wrong, and to maintain that anyone who points out your idiocy is merely "agenda-pushing".
Don't bother with facts. Just claim that your arguments are watertight because you "have documented countless examples of this on this site". When concluding your 1,000 words of drivel, state: "There you have it, folks," to give the illusion that you've made a coherent point.
Play the victim card by suggesting that Christians will soon be imprisoned for worshipping their juju. When reporting instances of people who have been hounded to death by religious loons, claim that they are "playing the victim card". Maintain rank hypocrisy at all times.
When responding to someone who disagrees with you, be as impolite, hectoring and pompous as possible. Always use the phrase: "let me call your bluff".
Remember to be sneering and vicious to anyone who isn't a fundamentalist Christian, but then cry foul when the same tone is adopted in reverse.
Remember to AVOID discussions on how old you think the earth is (perhaps make oblique references to "praying big time about this important issue").
Remember that scientific evidence only counts when you think it's on your side. For example, the overwhelming evidence in favour of evolution can be safely ignored.
Quote-mine from a scientist, or a "militant homosexual activist" and take their words completely out of context in order to deceitfully "back up" your argument.
Avoid awkward questions.
Use ready fallacies and debating tactics such as "no true Scotsman", tu quoque and the ad hominem when engaging in "debate".
Claim everything is unfair and you're right about everything.
Repeat ad infinitum.
For the complete makeover, grow a beard and look like a balding demented mule in specs.